I'M ALIVE

Yes I know, what a useless post. Yes, I'm still time-restrained and too unmotivated to write.

Bad news:

I may discontinue TKA recaps after episode 10! I am definitely going to force myself to finish recapping up to ep 10, but I think I'm losing interest in this drama (like WHAATTT? ITS JOE AND ARIEL HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ALYSSA!!!). I don't know, as I've said before, it's one of those dramas without a plot, and the only thing that's really carrying it is the romance between the two main leads. And when you get used to that, well...

Yeah and I also want to expand my watchings. Usually on the weekends I really feel like watching dramas but I've been avoiding them lately because 1) it distracts me from homework and learning, and I'm already pretty distracted 2) The Voice and Masterchef Junior have started and I seriously don't want to start any new shows (even though I know there's a ton of good American/Asian TV shows that I'm missing out on) because I know it'll distract me in eternity 3) I know it'll take me forever to watch if I start watching because I'm not one of those people who can watch 10 min of a drama that I like and then put it down for a week. NO. I must finish the whole episode in one seating! Or two. Or three.

So yup, I haven't watched one this week. I wish that some amazing Taiwanese drama would just come out like RIGHT NOW. Ugh, why doesn't Ethan Ruan make Taiwanese dramas anymore? All he's done for his last couple of gigs was trim his hair super short and filmed some military movies (yay ._.). COME BACK TO DRAMA SHOWBIZ BABY

School:

Whenever I hear someone talking, it's about school. WHAT IS SO INTERESTING ABOUT SCHOOL? Come on, shouldn't friendship go deeper than that? Okay well whatever now I will be a hypocrite and talk about school.

Books:

GUESS WHAT I've actually had barely any time to read any new books :O. In class we read Lord of the Flies, and our Lit teacher makes us write (A LOT) so I've been spending SO MUCH TIME trying to write good analyses of the Lord of the Flies. Ugh. It was tough cuz I'm so slow at writing and since I know it always takes me forever, I try to put it last on my list. So I end up writing my butt off from 7:00-12:30pm reading and writing and trying to make sense and editing my work. It's tough ._. I've always wanted an analytical teacher, but this is sort of killing me. Thank goodness we're starting a new book, otherwise I think I would've died. The problem is that we weren't allowed to write about anything we discussed in class or wrote about before. And we pretty much have discussion everyday, so there's not much that I can think of that's new, makes sense, AND is analytical. The essay was the hardest part; not only had we spent 4 or so weeks discussing the whole book (which meant we covered pretty much everything), but we had written like 8-ish papers on it already. So basically it's just hard to be original in class. Yup.

But overall, Lord of the Flies is sort of creepy. Don't read it at night; especially the last few chapters. It's not a horror book, but it just gives you an edgy, uncomfortable feeling that the beast is lurking in the corner...

I shall not summarize it because I am DONE with this book. NO MORE.

Also I am reading Thirteen Reasons Why (progress is slow), which is a book about a girl who records thirteen reasons why she killed herself (thirteen people responsible for her death). I think it's fine so far...it's not amazing, but it gives you a good view on how you never know what kind of consequences your loose actions lead to.

I decided to join Duo Interp with Urmila, so that means we have to choose a book to interp about! I don't even think I'm a good actor or a voicer, so I'm kinda nervous ._.

THE VOICE SEASON FIVE IS GREAT SO FAR

XTINA HAS A GREAT TEAM OF GREAT SINGERS

even though usually I always stick by my man Adam, this year I gotta hand it over to the female. Xtina knows what's up and she knows how to get the good singers to her team!

I'm having a bad day guys ._. I've lost my house keys (they're still lost in like school or somewhere help :'( ), my PE clothes (I swear I put them in my backpack, and they weren't in my locker when I checked ._.), and my sweater (it's cold inside ._.)

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS EXCEPT THE KEY THING BECAUSE UGH NOW WE HAVE TO CHANGE THE LOCK BECAUSE OF MY STUPIDITY

I'm not mad so let's ignore the caps lock.

This is a dum dum post.

You know what I always feel like I don't know the people in my class that well, or the people at Lynbrook. There are so many choices of classes, and I feel like since I am taking a certain set of classes, the same people will always end up in my classes. Someone mentioned it in Aletheia the other day...and I have found it to be true. There's a whole other group of people that I haven't had the opportunity to experience life and classes with simply because of the levels or electives we're taking. How sad. Oh well. Here's to another boring year (cheers! :) )

In which I egocentrically rant about...myself...

Hello everyone! As you may know, I am an INTP, however, I'd rather not identify myself by my personality. You know what I find very interesting? I find it interesting when people say they look for personality, humor, social skills, and looks when it comes to attraction. This isn't the main point, but I've always found it interesting how society places such an emphasis on humor and personality. I love funny people, but I really sympathize with non-funny people as well (like myself :'( let me go into a corner and cry...OR NOT because it's okay to not be funny!). I feel like every time I meet a new person, I'm pressured to have small talk with them and crack a few jokes along the way. How do people do that?! You barely know the person, so how is it so fluid and easy for some people to make them laugh? There are many things to consider; for one, you don't know whether they are familiar with your objects of irony (what if they are offended? what if they think you're lame?), and secondly it's freaking hard, okay? Even though I'm in the Speech Event called Spont(aneous Speaking), I can't be funny on the spot! The thing is that I guess overthinking it kills your unique-ness, however, it's harder than it seems. Anyway, I remember about a year ago I went on a cruise to Alaska and there was this teen group. The first time I went, I got introduced in a few people, tried small talk (I am horrendous, don't even ask), and it was okay because we were all new. The next time I went, BAM. Everyone had formed their own cliches and some of the people who were willing to talk to me the first time didn't even want to look at me. To make it clear, I wasn't being a jerk or anything, I was honestly trying my best to be myself and be nice (but I was quiet because the people intimidated me...) So I guess society places great emphasis on personality and humor, which kind of sucks for everyone else. But that's okay, because when you're not funny, at least you get to have greater appreciation for all kinds of people. It's like how if you experience homelessness, then you won't be quick to judge homeless people anymore.

You know the past few days we've been having a lot of discussions in Lit, and though I can't say I contribute as much as I originally had (many times I feel like we've exhausted the subjects we discuss everyday), it does really make you analyze more stuff in life. I was walking home last week, and then I started walking in a zig zag formation. You know, if we had grown up thinking that walking in a zig zag formation was the quickest way, we would be ignorant to the fact that walking straight down the sidewalk is soo much faster. Don't you think it's the same in life? Everyone-authors, scientists, etc.-tries to provide an answer to the meaning of life (or pretend to by ending their theory/book with some super vague derivative theme), but I don't think we're worthy of even trying to decipher the meaning ourselves. We only live in a 3D world while walking in a straight line-but what if there was a faster way of walking than in a straight line (think "A Wrinkle in Time")? What if there was 9 dimensions? Who knows? It be mindblowing!

Okay I'm suppose to be doing piano right now. Surprisingly, I don't have much more homework due tomorrow, but I think my grades are goin' down down down down down. It's funny because I should have a B in Chemistry already (yay it's like the 3rd week or so), but school loop keeps supporting me lol! I got solid B's on my last three assignments (which should VERY logically pull down my 90.97 down to a B), but school loop changed and now it rounds up! LOL! So now I have a 91%, which is even higher. Haha #lifeisnice

Oh yes...the first reason why I decided to write this was because I've been thinking lately and I have found that people get to know me is when we analyze life/people in objective ways. It's really interesting actually. Like I can't do small talk. I just can't. Who the heck likes talking about school all day? Well actually a lot of people probably do so I will not judge. I guess the reason I've been thinking about this is recently I liked this guy and I wanted to get to know him better, but there's only small talk to talk about. It's so hard to transition from normal stuff to hard-core analyzing, and obviously I didn't even know if he enjoyed analyzing or not. And anyway, I'm not even sure if I like analyzing anymore because I feel like I've exhausted most of my curious thoughts with Esther, so it's been pretty repetitive (but it is in human nature to repeat...and repeat...and repeat again...this is how theories are formed and math lessons learned!). To be honest, I have found that my personality is quite the bore, so the only thing that's memorable is my ability to talk about others/ideas/morals in an unbiased way. Which is why I find it interesting how everyone places an important emphasis on personality (not a bad thing though).

But then again, I guess it's hard for some people to be analytical! Well then I guess it's okay because I don't only like people who are smart! I like non-intellectual people too, they are super cool, and sometimes they talk about extremely interesting things as well. Yup...

Mary gave me gr9 advice last last retreat and she said the way to make friends is to make them feel comfortable. I've tried, I really have, but I still have a long way to go. Oh well, it's  irrelevant to the bigger picture anyway. Do you realize that once you view life in terms of death (as in you see everything leading up to death), everything becomes irrelevant? In fact, the only thing that seems relevant is after death, because that's where you're going to spend (or be non-existent) most of the time of the universe. Your life is freaking tiny.

But what happened to the guy? I gave up, because I think he likes some other girl anyway and I didn't want to waste my time. LOL sounds so strategic but it's just pushing thoughts out of your mind, if possible.

I am a good listener, so I can listen to people talk about anything and still feel entertained. For others, I was shocked to discover that it sometimes isn't so. Well, I shouldn't be shocked because I've learned to accept it, and I think it's perfectly fine for people to have different capacities for listening. Once I was talking to this kid (not really a kid, like my age) while watching a movie. I thought the conversation was alright; it was mostly small talk but I'm good at listening to small talk. Anyway, I sort of sucked at it as always, but I had the feeling that we sort of sucked at it equally. However, the next time it was interesting to find that this kid didn't want to talk to me as much afterwards, even though we sucked equally. It's okay, no grudges or anything of course, but it was kind of eye-opening. It's always eye-opening when you look at a different perspective and find that something that's so fundamental in your mind that you take it for granted isn't to other people.

For example, I find it obvious that you can be happy without money. Please don't take offense, I do try to keep my mind open and am totally fine with people who disagree with the money thing. Well anyway, it's just a concept that I've believed in so long that it's become a part of me, and naturally I assumed that most people with working minds would think the same thing. However, this week I was talking to my classmate and she said she was stressed about standing out and finding a great college to make lots of money. I asked her if she thought money=happiness and she said yes. She said, how can you be happy when your basic needs aren't met? You need money to survive! I didn't know what to say, lol. Her argument was pretty valid, but I never thought about it that way before. It's very interesting to hear other people's ideas of happiness.

Okay well anyway this is hecka long!

The Road to the Great Perhaps Ch. 1: Unexpected Negativity, First Week Stress, Week's Book Haul

Here comes them minions with an important announcement!

Jesus will always love you very much!

Dave (the minion with two eyes) also will always love you very much!

Put a smile on your face!!

Lately I've been I've been losing sleep

dreaming about the things that we could be

Isn't "Counting Stars" a great song (that's not the point but still)...I guess this won't be like my regular blog posts. This will be a lot more personal and a lot less formal (aka I won't try to sound smart or anything and the grammar will probably be funky and everything out of wack. Don't judge! I usually write better...hopefully). I'll just talk about my first week of school and how I'm doing.

Today's Saturday, so I feel a lot better than I did during the week. I don't know, I tried to have a positive attitude coming into school (I mean honestly for me it isn't bad. I actually enjoy school). And usually I can maintain a positive attitude through everything and have resilience or whatever, but Monday was difficult for me (yes hear me whine about first world problems, I generally hate it when people do that, so I don't blame you if you get annoyed). I just felt rather sleepy throughout the day and then I came home and did homework for two hours? straight. And I still wasn't done, I was like half-way through (last year I only had two hours of homework per day, mostly math, but I wasn't going to complain because I should've expected this).

Then I went to piano class and I just felt like a failure. You know this summer I've really busted my butt to make sure that I don't disappoint my piano teacher and that I can perfect the art, but I still lack so much confidence and professionalism. It pisses me off and I just felt so small sitting on the bench making a ton of elementary errors and struggling to keep my wrists relaxed. I guess it really cut into my feeling of self-worth? I just felt really guilty because I had disappointed my teacher and I was tired and then I went home to finish the rest of my hw (another hour or so? I work pretty slowly). I wonder why honors classes give so much hw. The first day was exhausting itself, and I guess what really made me feel sad-ish was that this was only the beginning. It was bound to get more exhausting with my clubs kicking in and more expectations throughout the year. I dislike it when people say, "I am so done with school" so obviously I won't allow myself to think that way. I am not done with school so there is no use thinking that way. I guess I have a "dauntless" attitude when it comes to things I can't control (I'm reading Divergent and I'm actually really getting into it). At the same time, I felt like all the time that I spent with God during the summer on a day-to-day basis was slowly dwindling. Not only was I exhausted from homework, I was also shunning God out of my life. Ugh and life feels so dreary without God. It's like my own fault. Isn't Bon Iver's voice hecka weird? I'm sort of listening to his song right now.

And I guess it just continued like that, and with each extra expectation I just worked harder and harder and then yesterday was Friday. Which reminded me that the next day I would have to run three miles, had piano class on Monday, had to give a testimony about the Honduras trip next week, had voice lessons on Thursday, had to read the freaking 300 pg economics book for speech and debate, had to practice my knuckle pushups for taekwondo, etc. I dislike pressure, however I like to portray myself as someone who works efficiently and un-worriedly under pressure and stuff but I don't. And my bad mood just affected the way I interacted with my family and it was just not good. I snapped at my mom and brother. I guess around my friends I can put on a happy front better (but what can I say? sometimes they make me really happy anyway). So anyway on friday I just kept having all these expectations on replay in my head while trying to get my piano done and other responsibilities throughout the day. It was time to go to church. Some of Lana Del Rey's songs are super weird. To be honest I only think Young and Beautiful was super good.

sorry for being a stupid person with stupid first world problems.

well i was neutral about going to church because all the fridays are bible studies and im pretty neutral to that. and i was still pissed off because i dont know i just felt kind of sleepy and i needed to prepare for lots of stuff. so i entered the building and adeline waved to me with a big smile. when im in a crappy mood, i dislike it when everyone's smiling, so i waved back with a flat expression so she would get the hint. but then i entered youth group and anna-marie also said hi with a smile and she said, "what's wrong? it looks like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders." and then i went in and everyone i knew said hi with a smile. i guess i had always taken advantage of the community i have here in church, but you know that generally i'm a smiley person so it wasn't long before they started talking and made me smile and happy. it just felt so relaxing to touch a base of familiarity. anyway so yes that perked up my mood considerably so i feel better today (and there wasn't school too=more time at my leisure). i guess i really like church man. oh yes and also a counselor prayed after worship and i just felt that it was so freaking true. she said, "im so sad to see that we grew up with all these materials. im so sad to see that we don't find the need for You, God. im so sad to see that we compare our worth to our friends, our clothes, our grades. it just makes me so sad." gosh thats so true. i guess it really helped me see my week in perspective. ugh i shouldnt focus on these stupid world things, like missing the easiest problem in the world on fong's homework quiz and starting the year off with a B or worse. okay whatever it doesnt matter so yeah.

yes so i guess i feel better now :3 and church is tomorrow too! i guess people would look at me and say that im weird for looking forward to church but its actually really nice :)

okay lets see

random updates

this week or so ive come across three pretty good books. what a lucky catch. cuckoo's calling was pretty whimsical for a murder mystery (not nearly as much as harry potter though lol) but i never finished it because im slow and i was busy studying or something so i had to return it because its one of those new books that you can only renew once. well i read the summary on wiki and i guess im glad i didnt finish because the ending is shocking and i dont deal with shock/horror/whatever well. so yup im glad i wasnt creeped out or anything while reading the book.

and i started divergent! finally! its oddly very charming; sometimes tris' attitude of wanting to prove herself becomes sort of irksome (ugh pride, even though im being hypocritical) but otherwise she and four and the rest of the characters are super cool. its sort of a page-turner! i can definitely put it down, but ive been a lot more eager to read this book than all the other books ive read for the past....two months? i forgot the last time that i was this into a book! maybe looking for alaska and my sister's keeper. but anyway four is pretty attractive, character-wise. i dont even know why yet. yes horrible analysis but im feeling lazy today so...

oh yeah and so today i found this book in church called i kissed dating goodbye. well it discusses a lot about emotional/commitment proportions (as in, the proportion should be equal). well ive never been in a relationship before but its pretty interesting because when envisioning it (no, i am not a creeper who envisions it all the time) i pretty much focus on the emotional dependence and stuff. but this book stresses the importance of making sure that you can be committed to a relationship before venturing too deep (and potentially surfacing emotionally harmed). so yup it was pretty interesting.

oh listen to tiptoe love! from in time with you! its so relaxing and makes me feel better~~~