In which I egocentrically rant about...myself...

Hello everyone! As you may know, I am an INTP, however, I'd rather not identify myself by my personality. You know what I find very interesting? I find it interesting when people say they look for personality, humor, social skills, and looks when it comes to attraction. This isn't the main point, but I've always found it interesting how society places such an emphasis on humor and personality. I love funny people, but I really sympathize with non-funny people as well (like myself :'( let me go into a corner and cry...OR NOT because it's okay to not be funny!). I feel like every time I meet a new person, I'm pressured to have small talk with them and crack a few jokes along the way. How do people do that?! You barely know the person, so how is it so fluid and easy for some people to make them laugh? There are many things to consider; for one, you don't know whether they are familiar with your objects of irony (what if they are offended? what if they think you're lame?), and secondly it's freaking hard, okay? Even though I'm in the Speech Event called Spont(aneous Speaking), I can't be funny on the spot! The thing is that I guess overthinking it kills your unique-ness, however, it's harder than it seems. Anyway, I remember about a year ago I went on a cruise to Alaska and there was this teen group. The first time I went, I got introduced in a few people, tried small talk (I am horrendous, don't even ask), and it was okay because we were all new. The next time I went, BAM. Everyone had formed their own cliches and some of the people who were willing to talk to me the first time didn't even want to look at me. To make it clear, I wasn't being a jerk or anything, I was honestly trying my best to be myself and be nice (but I was quiet because the people intimidated me...) So I guess society places great emphasis on personality and humor, which kind of sucks for everyone else. But that's okay, because when you're not funny, at least you get to have greater appreciation for all kinds of people. It's like how if you experience homelessness, then you won't be quick to judge homeless people anymore.

You know the past few days we've been having a lot of discussions in Lit, and though I can't say I contribute as much as I originally had (many times I feel like we've exhausted the subjects we discuss everyday), it does really make you analyze more stuff in life. I was walking home last week, and then I started walking in a zig zag formation. You know, if we had grown up thinking that walking in a zig zag formation was the quickest way, we would be ignorant to the fact that walking straight down the sidewalk is soo much faster. Don't you think it's the same in life? Everyone-authors, scientists, etc.-tries to provide an answer to the meaning of life (or pretend to by ending their theory/book with some super vague derivative theme), but I don't think we're worthy of even trying to decipher the meaning ourselves. We only live in a 3D world while walking in a straight line-but what if there was a faster way of walking than in a straight line (think "A Wrinkle in Time")? What if there was 9 dimensions? Who knows? It be mindblowing!

Okay I'm suppose to be doing piano right now. Surprisingly, I don't have much more homework due tomorrow, but I think my grades are goin' down down down down down. It's funny because I should have a B in Chemistry already (yay it's like the 3rd week or so), but school loop keeps supporting me lol! I got solid B's on my last three assignments (which should VERY logically pull down my 90.97 down to a B), but school loop changed and now it rounds up! LOL! So now I have a 91%, which is even higher. Haha #lifeisnice

Oh yes...the first reason why I decided to write this was because I've been thinking lately and I have found that people get to know me is when we analyze life/people in objective ways. It's really interesting actually. Like I can't do small talk. I just can't. Who the heck likes talking about school all day? Well actually a lot of people probably do so I will not judge. I guess the reason I've been thinking about this is recently I liked this guy and I wanted to get to know him better, but there's only small talk to talk about. It's so hard to transition from normal stuff to hard-core analyzing, and obviously I didn't even know if he enjoyed analyzing or not. And anyway, I'm not even sure if I like analyzing anymore because I feel like I've exhausted most of my curious thoughts with Esther, so it's been pretty repetitive (but it is in human nature to repeat...and repeat...and repeat again...this is how theories are formed and math lessons learned!). To be honest, I have found that my personality is quite the bore, so the only thing that's memorable is my ability to talk about others/ideas/morals in an unbiased way. Which is why I find it interesting how everyone places an important emphasis on personality (not a bad thing though).

But then again, I guess it's hard for some people to be analytical! Well then I guess it's okay because I don't only like people who are smart! I like non-intellectual people too, they are super cool, and sometimes they talk about extremely interesting things as well. Yup...

Mary gave me gr9 advice last last retreat and she said the way to make friends is to make them feel comfortable. I've tried, I really have, but I still have a long way to go. Oh well, it's  irrelevant to the bigger picture anyway. Do you realize that once you view life in terms of death (as in you see everything leading up to death), everything becomes irrelevant? In fact, the only thing that seems relevant is after death, because that's where you're going to spend (or be non-existent) most of the time of the universe. Your life is freaking tiny.

But what happened to the guy? I gave up, because I think he likes some other girl anyway and I didn't want to waste my time. LOL sounds so strategic but it's just pushing thoughts out of your mind, if possible.

I am a good listener, so I can listen to people talk about anything and still feel entertained. For others, I was shocked to discover that it sometimes isn't so. Well, I shouldn't be shocked because I've learned to accept it, and I think it's perfectly fine for people to have different capacities for listening. Once I was talking to this kid (not really a kid, like my age) while watching a movie. I thought the conversation was alright; it was mostly small talk but I'm good at listening to small talk. Anyway, I sort of sucked at it as always, but I had the feeling that we sort of sucked at it equally. However, the next time it was interesting to find that this kid didn't want to talk to me as much afterwards, even though we sucked equally. It's okay, no grudges or anything of course, but it was kind of eye-opening. It's always eye-opening when you look at a different perspective and find that something that's so fundamental in your mind that you take it for granted isn't to other people.

For example, I find it obvious that you can be happy without money. Please don't take offense, I do try to keep my mind open and am totally fine with people who disagree with the money thing. Well anyway, it's just a concept that I've believed in so long that it's become a part of me, and naturally I assumed that most people with working minds would think the same thing. However, this week I was talking to my classmate and she said she was stressed about standing out and finding a great college to make lots of money. I asked her if she thought money=happiness and she said yes. She said, how can you be happy when your basic needs aren't met? You need money to survive! I didn't know what to say, lol. Her argument was pretty valid, but I never thought about it that way before. It's very interesting to hear other people's ideas of happiness.

Okay well anyway this is hecka long!