HEY SO I'm sick of editing so this is raw words that I'm vomiting out. Don't judge lol.
*note: yeah I guess Christians do swear hurhurhur gotta problem
Something that nags me everytime I go to Speech and Debate practice is that fact that I haven't gone to any tournaments this year. I almost wish that last year I hadn't done well so my pride wouldn't swell up. Well, actually, nah I'm glad I did well last year. Because of it, I was able to realize that my hard work could equal success and that I did have the potential to speak well in front of other people. It was an affirmation and a confidence-booster that I could lead other people and verbally analyze with them. Now this is starting to sound a lot like a speech, so I'll shut up because speeches are all professional and weird.
Basically, I miss the rush of pride when I break at tournaments! Ughh yes, I am super duper competitive and it's super unhealthy. I even feel like enumerating my awards right here and now, but that would be hypocritical, because that's exactly what led me to feel sad in the first place (I mean other people...enumerating their awards). Coincidentally, I was not able to attend any of the tournaments so far this year (I always had something that came up...honor choir (WHICH WAS awesome), PAN, etc.). Thus, I yearn and yearn and yearn to prove myself to others that I still am currently a great speaker and stuff. But what does this matter? I think God noticed how prideful I was about my speaking and how that started to become part of my identity. It was perhaps His doing that I couldn't go to any tournaments so far...to humble me up.
Okay so I'm in this event called Impromptu and basically there's this girl on facebook who's new to impromptu and she won 2 awards in it so far and keeps publicizing about it. It annoys me for some reason (to the point where I feel like blocking her...which is dumb because it's two awards, right?), even though I fully know I should be congratulating her. There's a part of me that screams "I WOULDVE GOTTEN THOSE AWARDS IF I HAD ATTENDED," but part of life is telling your selfish self to shut up. And part of me says...what if I lost the ability to do well? What if my competitors got so advanced that I can't break anymore?
What if my wings were permanently clipped...like Beethoven when he lost his hearing?
So yeah...worry and jealousy is not a good combo. What a ball of pessimism.
I have been doing not-so-well in my classes. I hardly understand the concepts of some of the stuff I'm studying, and next week I believe I have five tests (and the week after is finals). I should've done more earlier, but I'm gonna trust God that I'll get through all of this and that I'll have enough energy to study for everything too!
By the way, I feel like people...even Christians themselves...perceive Christianity as a moral standard. Like, to be a Christian, one must forgive, love, do good things, etc. Sometimes we think it's a lot about doing, when actually, there ain't no morals involved in the core of Christianity. Christianity is almost the opposite...realizing that you'll never be perfect and there's nothing you can do to get into a perfect heaven (cuz we ain't perfect) and then trusting Jesus to cover for your sins. It's not about hustling, it's about being? Did that make sense? I hope it made sense. yolo right?
Okay I'm going to study now cuz ughhhhhihihgiheogn
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